Our Relationships are Precious. Value Them.

Who are we? 

We are as much about what we’ve gone through, as we are about what we did and who we served.

I was thinking about my friend Estelle.  Estelle died in March 2019.

She was one of my closest friends. She was kind, compassionate, loving, giving and forgiving. She cried a lot because she was a sensitive soul and found cruelty hard to comprehend. Cruelty is all around us, it is one of those things that happen constantly and consistently.  Thankfully, Estelle laughed more than she cried, because to her, life was worth living, life was worth forging on. 

Most importantly, she loved me unconditionally. She had strong opinions on the things that happened in my business life and the stress it produced. She was loyal and caring. No matter how often I saw her, how often I spoke to her, she loved me to the max, more than a friend, much like a parent.

The first year, we got to know each other, her admiration was for me, for what I did. With each challenge I overcame she gave praise to God first and then she encouraged me. Her unconditional love never faltered through the 30 years I’d known her.

Early in February 2019, just before I left for the USA, she called to say she had received good news about her health. A week later she called me with the distressful news that she had only a few days to live.

We communicated by SMS and by phone, the long distance was troubling me. I thought I should be in Australia with her. She was in and out of hospital, and then she decided she would rather be home and convalesce.

In some fateful way I was glad that I was in the US, in a different time zone to Estelle.  When Australia sleeps, the US is awake. These opposites in time allowed her to communicate with me during her night-time. The darkness of the night when everyone else is asleep can become darker and lonely when tough times come upon us.  She didn't want to wake her husband for yet another thing, so she called me to ‘talk it out’ or simply to take her mind off her situation.

To try to forget her physical pain.

I felt her anxiety. 

And when those times came, I was glad that she was able to contact me without feeling she was causing an inconvenience.

One day when I called her from the US, she told me she couldn't talk because she was organizing the photos and slides for the funeral!  She asked that I call back in 2 hours.

So I waited. It was 1am in Chicago when I called her.  She was chirpy and happy. She told me about some of the photos she had chosen.  She told me she was simply moving on to be with her Saviour and that she was looking forward to it, she was content.  As always, a woman steadfast in faith.  Estelle, a woman driven by structure, was now putting together her final plan with great, thoughtful love.

Estelle had a beautiful life tainted with many challenges. Through it all, her faith in Christ and Yahweh never faltered.  Occasionally she asked herself WHY? Why was she taken on this journey of continuous challenges.

In the last 10 years of her life, she battled breast cancer. She got treated.  She overcame the challenge of this insidious illness. We thought she won the battle. Sadly her lifestyle changed, it was the constant check-ups, the uncertainty, the assurance from doctors and the joy of hearing ‘test results are negative’ that became the regular companion in her life. 

For the last 18 months of her life, she battled oesophageal cancer.  Just when we thought she was overcoming this bad actor we were all surprised to hear that the attack on her body was aggressive.  It would be just five weeks ☹

One reaches a point when one must accept the inevitable, and fighting the battle becomes too hard.  It was too hard for Estelle.  She had vowed she would not have chemo again. The first time with treatment for breast cancer was bad enough. It just was too painful.

Succumbing to the circumstances became the only option for her.  It was her choice.

I remember as if it was yesterday when she called me to say she had breast cancer, many years ago, perhaps 10 years before the end. They say that there are significant moments in life when you remember where you were and what you were doing. You don’t remember the date necessarily, but you remember what you were doing. I remember I was in the front yard at my house watering my plants when she gave me the distressful news about breast cancer. My sadness cannot be described. I recall the many thoughts that went through my mind, all for my own selfish reasons. 

So when she called to tell me of her decision to not have further treatment for oesophageal cancer, again I felt the distress in my whole being.

As hard as life may have been, Estelle made the most of it in later life.  She mastered the art of assertiveness.  She learned that her opinion mattered and that those who dismissed her (and her opinions) were not worth knowing.  She realised who of her friends from the outer circle mattered, because she mattered to them.

She and I shared our faith often, and our faith was the basis of our decision making in all areas of life.  Our reaction to the challenges and adversity we faced were put in perspective knowing that life on earth is temporary and that it is only a journey.

We shared more than what life put before us, we shared our faith. Estelle’s faith was steadfast, it never wavered.

God never disappointed her.

She was forever grateful to Him even in the rare occasions of misery.  I learnt a lot from her faithfulness, it was beautiful to see that her greatest strength was at the end when she was the weakest in her body. In those last days, she was strong in her mind, loving her family and her closest friends so deeply, she was the true example of one steeped so deep in God’s love that others watched in wonder and wondered what it may be like. 

I wonder, will I be as strong in my last days?

Today as I remember my friend Estelle, I think about my precious relationship with her. Our relationship with one another is very much about life itself.  A life well lived is one worthy of knowing.

If Estelle's life was on video, would I watch it? I sure would.

So back to my question, who are we? 

We play many roles in our life.  A daughter/son. A child. A playmate. A friend. A teenager. An adult. A spouse/partner. A parent. A single parent. An orphan (no mother and father). A fur-parent. An employee. An entrepreneur. A Business owner. A career person (whatever role that might be). A caregiver. A faithful servant of a faithful God. An invalid. A patient. A beauty. A weight battler. A participant. An observer. And the list goes on.

So who are we?  We are the role we play with the other person in the relationship.  In Estelle’s case I was her friend.  She was the closest friend I had.  I’d known her for 30 years. We had shared so much - our concerns and angst when raising children, our triumphs and frustrations with our common employer (when I first met her), the emotional upheaval of a spousal relationship, the joyous and destructive relationships of ‘friends’ and of course watching together the path to independence taken by our children, which was our greatest earthly joy. 

Estelle.

My friend.

Gone but not forgotten.   

Do you think it is important that we prioritise our relationships? Especially the intimate ones?  I think so.  We must invest in each of our closest relationships - in time, quality and energy. We cannot do this for all relationships as it would be unsustainable – so it is important that we choose carefully whose relationship we consider to be the most important.  I find that we can easily maintain 10 important relationships with purpose and intention.

The relationships that one day we will describe as precious.